Motherhood

I've always known that life is a journey...each step teaches us something about ourselves we didn't know before. I spent my 20s trying to figure out what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be going. I spent so much time wrapped up in figuring WHAT I should be doing and not enough time enjoying the things I was actually doing. It seemed to be my own personal race and each different facet of my life was my competition. I was racing against what I thought I should be as a mother and wife, I was racing against the dreams I thought would define me as a person. Racing against the time I was so concerned with losing. And all the while I was racing past the most beautiful moments of life.

When I turned 30, it seemed as if my eyes suddenly opened. I saw things much clearer than I ever had before. I realized that life wasn't about figuring it all out. Life was about living and laughing and loving. It was about being in the moment. Sure we should plan for the future and make ourselves better in every way possible. But what matters most is treasuring the moments you have now for we will never see these moments again.

Still, I searched for some sort of meaning. Some purpose. And I came to realize this, while I may not be the best at it, I know that my purpose in life is to be a mother to my daughter. To teach her about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. To show her how to be a woman. To teach her to stand on her own but lean on others when she needs to. To teach her to be responsible, yet fun. Demanding, but forgiving. Determied, but patient. I want her to stand proud in who she is and not cave and become someone she thinks others want her to be.

I know there are many things I can do to be a better mother, many areas I could improve. But, at the end of the day, my daughter is healthy, happy, well rounded, funny, smart and sweet. She's becoming the most amazing young woman I have ever known. However small my role has been in the person she is becoming, it has been more than worth it. I look forward (with both excitement and trepidation) to the woman she is becoming. While I am anticipatory of the relationship I will have with her as an adult, I bask in the treasured moments I have with her now...the way she still calls me Mommy, the way she cuddles with me at night on the couch, the way she just wants me to hug her when she's crying for reasons she doesn't yet understand, the way she still wants me to lay down with her at least one night a week so we can chat...those are my reasons.

I may not be perfect. I may not know WHY I am here. I may not be on the right path. I may not always be the best I can be. But I am her mother. And that, truly, is enough for me.